If you must mourn, my love
by TheFreedomSock
Summary: Slytherin house isn't the same in their last year of school. In some ways it thrives, in others it stands desolate. Their new freedom comes at a price. The remaining Slytherins struggle with the absence of friends and loved ones, and with the new world as it forms around them. Pansy, Blaise, Millicent & Daphne must turn to eachother for support and pray for the strength to continue
1. Should've made more dick jokes

This story is ever so loosely based on my one shot Deatheater's Children (if you kinda squint and tilt your head sideways a little), though it stands alone and you don't have to read either to understand the other.

It's meant to explore the ordinary lives and relationships of the Slytherins left behind by the war and how they cope with their losses in its aftermath. Also it kinda ran away with me and I really just love these characters.

This is the first fic I've written in quite a while which I've actually decided to publish, so any feedback or opinions or anything would be so so appreciated. Anyhow, enjoy the story, I know I've enjoyed writing it :)

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><p>Slytherin house wasn't the same in their last year of school. In some ways it thrived, in others it stood desolate.<p>

They enjoyed their newfound freedom, their newfound favouritism that the other houses had enjoyed for years, headmaster's propensity to turn a blind eye to the antics of Slytherin _finally, _Gryffindor finally put in their place after so many years of being held above all of them.

"I don't like this year."  
>"Yeah well tough shit Greengrass, this is how it is." Drawled a girl with thick dark hair, sitting across her plush green armchair.<br>"Shut up Parkinson. Since when have you missed a chance to complain?" The blonde snapped back from the sofa.  
>Parkinson's lips stretched slowly into a smirk as she looked up from her magazine. "True."<br>Greengrass rolled her eyes.  
>Parkinson's gaze dropped back to the magazine. "Go on then blondie, what don't you like about this year? We've never had a better one and I include the reign of Umbridge in that."<br>"It's too quiet."  
>Parkinson laughed. "Quiet? This is the loudest we've ever been."<br>"I don't mean the house activities, I mean the people. We're missing half the class Pansy."

She looked up suddenly at the use of her first name, then paused. "Yeah I know." Her voice was quiet, and more serious than it had been before. "I know Daphne." There was a moment of silence between them, before Parkinson grinned, not letting herself dwell on it. "But, let's not lie here, this year is the best. Not only are we seventh years finally, Slytherin house is finally, _finally _on top, suck on that Gryffindorks." She gloated.  
>Greengrass cracked a smile, allowing herself to be cheered up for the moment. "Yeah I know right, I haven't done my homework for Flitwick all year and he still hasn't given me a detention."<br>Parkinson laughed, "Hasn't dared. Sprout hasn't either, it's only MacGonagall who does these days."  
>"And even she's not as strict as before. Not with us." Greengrass added with a smirk.<br>"Damn right. See Greengrass, things aren't as bad as you make out they are."  
>"I still don't like it."<br>"Of course you don't like it! No one likes it! It's war, you're not meant to like it!" She forced a laugh. "And we're still just kids, otherwise we'd be fighting and that'd be _much_ worse." She grinned, as though her last statement had been meant to cheer the other girl up.  
>"Yeah we are just kids, but so's Theo."<br>Parkinson froze.  
>"And so's Draco."<br>"Shut up." Her voice was cold, devoid of all humour.  
>"You know it's true."<br>"I said shut up. Not now Greengrass I've got enough to deal with." Her tone was a warning, a flashing red light that said _back off_, but the other girl either hadn't noticed or had decided to ignore it. She continued stoically, "We all do Pansy."  
>"Not fucking now Greengrass I'm not doing this right now." She could barely suppress the emotion, getting up from her seat to leave in an attempt to save face.<br>"But they are."  
>"I said shut the fuck up!" She screamed, turning back around to face Daphne.<p>

Parkinson breathed heavily as the rest of the common room stared at her. "What?" She snapped, and they all quickly returned to what they had been doing, pretending not to listen.  
>"I'm sorry." Said Greengrass quietly.<br>"No you're not." Parkinson just sounded tired. "You knew what you were doing and you did that deliberately, don't lie to me." She sat back down in her chair, slumped a little now.  
>"Sorry. I just, I feel so bad, relaxing and enjoying myself, when I know that they…"<br>"I know Daphne."  
>"But we don't know! We don't know what they're doing, we don't know where they are, we don't even know if they're still there, still alive."<br>"Don't even go here Greengrass. Don't even fucking think it okay, don't you dare. They are all still out there, they are all alive and well and perfectly fine, and they're all going to come back to us in one piece once they've _won,_ and made the world a better place for us, okay. Okay?"  
>Greengrass nodded.<br>"Damn right they are, alright?"  
>She nodded again.<br>"Good. Now let's do this herbology essay, okay."

Together they pulled out their school books, ignoring the odd looks form a common room full of kids who hadn't bothered to do their homework since classes began. They knew they were just clutching at the straws of normality, but it was better than nothing.

"I heard you ladies actually did your charms homework last night, caused quite the scandal." Zabini slid onto the bench beside them, snagging a piece of toast off Greengrass' plate and flashing her a winning smile as she glared at him half-heartedly. "And of course my dear Parkinson, yelled so loudly I could hear it from the dormitories." He shot her a wink that managed to be mocking somehow and took a sip from her goblet of pumpkin juice.  
>"Save the cheap displays of dominance Zabini, we all know how much of a sub you are."<br>The second year beside her who had been pretending not to be eavesdropping suddenly choked on his toast and had to be beaten vigorously on the back by his friend. Parkinson laughed cruelly before continuing the conversation.  
>"Besides, it was Herbology not charms."<br>"Well that's much better." He said sarcastically, deliberately keeping his eyes fixed on hers as he took another sip from her drink.  
>She rolled her eyes and pushed the goblet towards him. "Keep it. I'm not interested in anything you've soiled Zabini."<br>He gave her his most charming smile (and he could be pretty damn charming when he wanted to be), though his eyes remained cold. She returned it with a frigid smirk.

"Well, now you've gone and ruined our cheerful morning…"  
>"Ah it's okay Greengrass, Parkinson knows I love her really, even if she does like to keep a stick up her arse." He winked at her again and reached for another piece of Daphne's toast, sighing melodramatically when she swatted his hand away and taking one from a serving plate instead.<br>"Rude of you, Greengrass."  
>"Yes, whereas stealing someone else's food is the height of good manners."<br>"Indeed."  
>Their smiles didn't touch their lips, but their eyes warmed, and the atmosphere relaxed.<p>

"Where's everyone else this morning?" Asked Greengrass after a pause.  
>"Fuck if I know." Replied Zabini.<br>"Bullstrode's in the library, Merlin knows why but she got up early. I think Crabbe and Goyle are supervising some morning detentions." Supplied Parkinson.  
>Zabini raised his eyebrows. "Well at least they'll be in a good mood later."<br>Parkinson snorted.  
>"And Moon and Davis?" Asked Greengrass.<br>Parkinson laughed this time, "Haven't you noticed, they don't get up until twelve anymore. Haven't in about a month since they worked out they could get away with it, and I'm pretty sure they only get up at all because they know they can't miss Dark Arts or Muggle Studies."  
>Zabini's eyebrows furrowed minutely, but Parkinson missed nothing. "What?"<br>"Nothing." He was quick to reply. "Anyone checked the paper yet?"

He knew that would change the topic quickly, and the mood swiftly sobered.

"Your turn Zabini."  
>"Fuck off Parkinson I did it yesterday."<br>"Like hell you did, open the paper."  
>She passed him an issue of the daily prophet, still rolled up, without looking at it.<br>He rolled his eyes but said nothing, tugging the knot so that the paper unrolled on the table in front of him. "Nothing interesting on the front page."  
>The two girls allowed themselves a sigh of relief, though none of the three relaxed as Blaise flipped through the pages.<p>

Page two.  
>Page three.<br>Deaths were usually on page eight.  
>Page four.<br>Page five.

"Seriously, I'm sure I did this yesterday."  
>"Don't be such a pussy Blaise." Snapped Greengrass, trying not to chew her nails.<p>

Page six.  
>Page seven.<p>

"It is definitely your turn Parkinson."  
>"Shut up and turn the damn page."<p>

Page eight.

Breath held, hands clutching the strong wood of the table hard enough to hurt, they waited, eyes scanning.  
>"No one we know."<br>They each let out breaths they had been powerless but to hold and relaxed.  
>"No wait, I'm wrong."<br>Daphne choked suddenly, dropping her goblet with a clang.  
>"Calm down woman it's not them."<br>She smacked him over the head, "You fucking tosser, Merlin if you do that again I swear I will tear out each and every hair on your head with my bear hands."  
>"Oh shut up Greengrass, you don't have the patience." He said casually.<br>She fixed her eyes with his and there was a glint of steel in them that he hadn't seen before. "Watch me." She hissed.  
>Zabini raised his eyebrows a little, mentally reevaluating the girl. "Very well."<br>She narrowed her eyes at him a moment before turning back to her breakfast, apparently satisfied.  
>"Do you retards want to know who died or what?"<p>

They froze again.  
>"No."<br>"Fine then Parkinson, I won't tell you." He tried for his usual arrogant tone, but fell a little short.  
>She looked up at him and said quietly, "Just fucking tell us Blaise."<br>"It's Flint. He's dead."  
>They all swallowed.<br>Parkinson recovered first from the stillness that had descended. "Ah. Well." She paused again. "When?"  
>"Last night." He checked the paper, "Went to try and sort out some kind of public disturbance, turned out to be some kind of trap."<br>"We should tell the house." Greengrass spoke, not making eye contact with any of them.  
>"Yeah, yeah we should. He was our captain since before we got here."<br>"A damn good captain."  
>Nobody spoke for the next ten minutes. They hardly even moved.<br>"Maybe we shouldn't do this at breakfast." Suggested Parkinson abruptly.

"Huh?" Zabini looked over.  
>"Well I don't know about you idiots but I'm going to be thinking about this for the rest of the day, and I would have appreciated some privacy, but we're in the middle of the great hall and we've got lessons now. We should do this in the evenings, after dinner."<br>"You want to have the list of deaths," Greengrass flinched as Zabini said the word, "Right here in your hand, and then you'll be willing to put them down and ignore them for the rest of the day? You really think you'll be able to just put it out of your mind?"  
>"No, but if we do recognise any more names I'd prefer it if I did so in the common room than here." There was a sudden edge to her voice, a hardness, and it was impossible not to realise that she was thinking about Draco, imagining how she'd react if she found out he'd died.<br>Blaise's tone softened. "All right, we'll give it a try tomorrow. But you have to open it."  
>Pansy mock scowled at him but agreed, and he smirked in return.<br>"Come on, if we got up this damn early we might as well go to lessons."

When they returned to the common room after dinner that evening, Pansy decided that, as a prefect, it was her duty to inform the house. Or at least, Blaise and Daphne decided and she couldn't fault their logic. She stepped up onto the coffee table in the middle of the room and clapped once, loudly enough that everyone could hear it above the sound of laughter and conversation, then waited for silence to fall.

"I don't know how many of you read the papers this morning, but I think you should all know, that Marcus Flint has been killed."  
>There were gasps and downturned eyes from the fourth years and above, and expressions of semi-recognition on the faces of the younger years.<br>"For those of you who didn't know him, Flint was a bit of a dick. But he was _our_ dick, and he was our captain for four years, and in that time we won the cup twice, would've won it three times if quidditch hadn't been cancelled, and won almost every damn game we played. Despite being a dick, Flint was a good captain, and he could be a good man when he wanted to be. He was a decent guy. A cheating fuck, but a decent guy."

Zabini stepped up beside her and continued, "So let's all raise our imaginary glasses, and pretentiously pretend to drink, to the memory of douche-bag we all mostly liked and respected. He was twenty two years old. To Marcus Flint."  
>And, as he had instructed, the house raised their hands like imaginary drinks glasses while they echoed the words, "To Marcus Flint."<br>Blaise stepped down from the table and made a show of chivalrously extending his hand to help Pansy down, which she accepted with a small smirk. As the hush cleared and the sound of conversation floated out across the room again, they rejoined the rest of their group.

"Good speech Parkinson." Bullstrode gave her an approving nod. "I think he would've liked it, it was his kind of humour."  
>"Nah, there weren't enough dick jokes in it." Interjected Crabbe.<br>Goyle smiled. "Should've made more dick jokes Parkinson."


	2. Parkinson smiling

"Hey Parkinson, did you hear?" A round faced girl with thick black square glasses and a white blonde bob bounded over excitedly and leaned over the back of the sofa Parkinson was sitting on.  
>"Hear what, Moon?"<br>"Those idiot Gryffindors your squad caught in fifth year, you know, the ones who started up again trying to fuck up the school…"  
>"Yes Moon I know the 'DA'" She said impatiently, as though there were air quotes around the last word.<br>"They've gone and got themselves caught trying to steal the sword of Godric Gryffindor from Dum-Snape's office!"

At that Pansy actually sat up and turned around to look at the other girl, eyebrows raised incredulously and a smile stretching itself across her face. "Are you serious?" She asked.  
>Moon nodded. "Snape was <em>furious!<em>" She continued, sounding thrilled, "He's given them _months _of detention!"  
>"Who was it? Who got caught?" She demanded, now definitely grinning.<p>

"Why is Parkinson smiling?" Blaise demanded as he walked over, flopping down on the sofa next to Pansy and reclining against her shoulder. "I find it personally rude and completely unsettling, stop it at once."

Pansy tried and failed to shrug him off while Moon replied, "Longbottom, that crazy Lovegood girl and the Weasley girl have got themselves caught stealing a sword from Snape's office!" Moon was even more thrilled now that her audience had expanded and she sounded delighted.

Pansy cawed with delight, and Blaise sat suddenly upright, turning to stare at Moon with a laugh caught in his throat.  
>"You are kidding!" Blaise exclaimed.<p>

Moon shook her head, still grinning.  
>"What in Merlin's name did they think they were going to do with a sword?" He asked, almost choking on his laughter.<p>

"Were they going to try and stab the Dark Lord with it?" Asked Pansy, incredulous but almost overjoyed at the news, "Or just Snape?"  
>Blaise dissolved into laughter, attracting stares from the rest of the room but unable to give a single shit about the sudden attention.<br>"Oh that is just _too much._" He said, as soon as he was capable of coherent speech. "They just crack me up, what did they even…? No, I can't take it, I will actually die of laughter if you tell me anymore."

Still chuckling, he lay back down, this time resting his head in Pansy's lap, much to her disgust, but she was in too good a mood to mind too much this time. Instead of forcibly kicking him off, she settled for running her fingers through his hair until he noticed that she was ruining the style he had jelled it into and stormed off angrily to fix it, the vain prick.


	3. Almost hated her

Pansy was of the opinion that doors were there for her to open, and for her to close, and that nobody had the right to try and stop her. So when she wanted to be alone, the door was sealed with surprising efficiency and when she wanted to enter she did so without caution or knocking. It was how she found things out. Secrets and lies and cheating boyfriends, little embarrassments and substantial blackmail, a poorly locked door and the world was her oyster.

Blaise almost hated her for it.

It was after dinner, pretty late but not late enough that Crabbe and Goyle were back from supervising detentions. With those two out and the other two gone, off fighting or doing whatever it was that teenaged death eaters did, Blaise was the only one in the room.

He rarely got this kind of alone time, and he took full advantage of it. Stood in front of the mirror, eyeliner brush in hand, he perfected his makeup skills, working on his left eye. This one was harder than the right eye because he had to go across his nose to get to the corner and move the brush right to left instead of left to right, but in the end he was pleased with it. The line across his upper lid was remarkably straight and the wing looked great, though the lower line wasn't quite right… Either way he was pleased with himself, it was remarkably good considering how little practice he had had, he was hardly ever alone for long enough to bother doing it.

"Hey Zabini, Greengrass won't let me use her ink," The door swung open, revealing Pansy holding an empty ink bottle, "Can I borrow your…" Blaise turned around instinctively to face her and she froze in the doorway.  
>"Fuck! Get the fuck out Parkinson!" He yelled, grabbing his wand from the chest of drawers and throwing a hex at her.<br>Fortunately, Pansy didn't need to be told twice, and the spell hit the door as it shut swiftly behind her.  
>"Fuck." He cursed again, running to the bathroom to scrub it off. His hands shook as he turned the tap and he wasn't sure if the tears down his cheek were from the force with which he was scrubbing or something else and FUCK.<p>

He returned to the bedroom, suddenly realising that he had no idea what to do now. He stood by his bed, torn between going downstairs like nothing had happened and… He brought his hands up to his head and slid his fingers into his hair, suddenly balling his hands into fists and pulling so tight that it hurt. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck…" He continued as he brought his elbows up to his face and shut his eyes and let his legs fold beneath him

Breathing in and breathing out and breathing in again Blaise stayed like that, half sitting half lying in a ball on the floor by his bed, trying desperately to shield himself from the world and his thoughts, trying not to think about what would happen if Pansy told everyone, about how she'd smirk and tell him that she _owned_ him now, about what she'd think of him now, until he managed to pull himself together.

He got up from the floor, trying to control his shaking and adopting a dignified, regal pose that suggested that nobody fuck with him today. He splashed some cold water on his face until it looked less blotchy, less like he'd been crying, and picked up a book from his bedside table.

He would be strong, he would be proud, just like his mother had taught him, he would act like nothing was wrong.

He went down to the common room, spotting Pansy and Daphne sitting at one of the work tables and carefully ignoring them, opting instead for one of the armchairs on the other side of the room. He let out a shaky breath as he opened his book. It was fine. No one had even looked up as he came down, Pansy hadn't said anything.

It was a few minutes later that Blaise allowed himself to begin to relax. It was fine, it was alright, it was okay. He was now actually reading his book rather than just staring down at the pages in silent relief as he attempted to calm his thoughts, and it was really rather good. So good in fact that he didn't notice Pansy coming over to him until she sat down in the armchair next to his.

Blaise tensed almost imperceptibly, suddenly very aware of his breathing, but otherwise acted as though he hadn't noticed her and continued to read. She let him, reaching into her bag and pulling out a book of her own. They sat there for some time, not quite together, but next to each other, reading quietly.

Then, without looking up, Pansy quietly broke the silence between them. "Just so you know Blaise," She began quietly, "I thought you looked pretty hot. You've got a steady hand, it looked good. I could help you out with the lower lid though, if you wanted."

Blaise made no immediate reply, acting as though he hadn't heard her. It took him quite a few minutes to compose himself to the extent that he was sure his voice wouldn't shake before he answered her.  
>"Thanks." He murmured simply.<br>She nodded, and both continued to read until long after the younger years had gone to bed.


	4. Until their throats bleed

There was a tremendously loud **_BANG_**and a large puff of violently violet smoke, a puff which quickly spread to fill the entire corridor. Screaming instantly ensued, as well as a lot of students quickly covering their mouths with their jumpers in case the smoke turned out to have unpleasant effects, followed by immediate hurried evacuation of the corridor. They all remembered the period of pranks after the Weasley twins had left…

It became quickly apparent that the smoke was probably not harmful however, and was in fact just, well, a smokescreen. Before it had cleared, leaflets began to fall from the ceiling. Dozens and dozens of little purple leaflets.

From their safe distance from the smoke, Pansy, Blaise, and Millicent observed the bizarre rain. Each leaflet sat there for only a few seconds before vanishing, presumably to fall from the ceiling again. As soon as the corridor was clear of violet vapour, there was a sudden rush towards the leaflets, dozens of curious students rushed to pick them up or pluck them from the air to find out what they were and what was going on.

Pansy, Blaise and Millicent joined the gathering crowd, the two former desperate to make sure they didn't miss out on whatever this interesting new gossip was and the latter merely curious.

"Let's get out of here."  
>"What, why? Don't be such a spoilsport Millicent, this is the most interesting thing to happen all month!" Exclaimed Blaise, trying to catch one as it fell.<br>"We need to go, Parkinson put it down, Zabini leave it, we're going."  
>Millicent's tone was so serious that the obeyed immediately, they knew that tone of voice and it had yet to mean good things. So far it had only meant death. They all but fled the corridor and did not stop walking until they were safely ensconced in their common room again, where the two turned to Millicent.<p>

"What the hell was that Bulstrode?" Asked Zabini.  
>"Those leaflets, they were from Dumbledore's army. They were about how to rebel. My guess is that Crabbe and Goyle won't be back til late tonight, anyone found in possession of one is going to be in detention until their throats bleed."<p>

Pansy and Blaise swallowed.

"Thanks Millicent." Said Pansy quietly, eyes turned slightly to the side.


	5. The sound

The week that came after the Incident with the smoke and the leaflets (which, despite Snape and the Carrows' best efforts continued to rain all day) brought bag checks to rival those in the time of Umbridge. Those students who usually 'helped out' with detentions were permitted to randomly search the bag of anyone, any time they saw fit. Discovery with an illicit leaflet was punishable by three months of detention.

"Bag search! Hand it over Peakes."  
>"But I've just had it searched!"<br>"**Now** Peakes."  
>"That bloke round the corner there literally <em>just <em>checked…" Peakes' voice broke off and was replaced with the sound of screaming. The other students moved on, pretending not to notice. None of them wanted to be noticed.

Some Gryffindors were checked five times in one day. No Slytherins were searched in the entire week. Green and Silver ties became valuable currency, and remained so even after the searches were over. To the average Carrow supporter, a cursory glance at the colour of a student's tie was enough to decide whether or not they were safe.


	6. Scared of us

"What the hell is even in those leaflets? Why do they piss the Carrows off so much?" Blaise asked, seemingly rhetorically, after the fifth day of bag searches.  
>"We found a Gryffindor kid with a whole bunch of them yesterday." Said Crabbe, jerking his thumb towards Goyle, who nodded in confirmation. "We read them."<br>Pansy and Blaise raised identical eyebrows.  
>"You read them? You're the ones doling out crucios to anyone who's got one and <em>you two<em> read them?" Asked Daphne, a little incredulous.  
>"We're doing the crucios, who's gonna do us?" Asked Goyle with a small smile.<br>"Fair enough." Replied Blaise, shrugging.

"Anyway," Crabbe sounded a little irritated at the interruption, "We read them, and they had all kinds'a bad stuff in them. They were encouraging people to rebel against the system, and to speak out against Snape and the Dark Lord, and it gave spells so you could do stuff without the teachers seeing, and there was even a fake crucio."  
>"Sorry what? How do you fake a crucio?" Asked Pansy.<br>"We tested it on a Hufflepuff," Said Goyle, "Made him scream and scream, but 'e said it didn't hurt."

"Anyway," continued Crabbe, "They've got all kinds'a stuff the Carrows don't want the fuckin' Gryffindors picking up. If everyone started doing it they'd be screwed for sure. But people won't do it, they're too scared."  
>"Scared of us." Added Goyle softly.<p> 


	7. Something very special

"Tracy!" Blaise Zabini swung himself into the chair opposite where Tracy Davis was working with a shit-eating grin, leaning enthusiastically forward dangerously near to her personal space boundaries. "Merlin it's been far too long! Have you noticed how we never talk anymore Tracy? Ever since Theodore left we've hardly exchanged a word!"

"What do you want Zabini?" Tracy asked tiredly, not looking up from her work.  
>"What do you mean what do I want? Why do you always have to accuse me of having some kind of ulterior motive? Isn't it possible that I simply want to speak to my friend?"<br>"I'm not doing your homework for you."  
>"I mean, I don't even know what you did over the summer," Continued Blaise as though se hadn't spoken, "How was it? how is your family? how are you Tracy?"<br>"My summer was fine, my sister's still underage, you still can't touch my brothers, and I'm not doing your homework Zabini."  
>"There you go again with your accusations, jeez you accidentally kiss a girl's sibling one time and she never lets you forget it."<br>"You kissed all of them Zabini, multiple times," Tracy reminded him with an edge of irritation, "and you were the first person in or outside of my family, probably including my brothers, to know that they weren't straight, and I'm still not going to do your homework now will you please leave me alone."

"Well I wasn't _asking _you to do my homework, but since you offered…"  
>"Get out."<br>"But it's so _boring _here now Tracy." Blaise almost pouted at her.  
>Tracy was unmoved. "Get out, or I'll hex you."<br>Blaise considered her for a moment. "I know about as many hexes as you, I could probably block it."  
>"Nott left me a couple of his at the end of last year, for some reason he seemed to think I might need help defending myself against annoying imbeciles who might try to copy my homework. But I'm <em>sure<em> I won't need help, right Zabini?" She gave him a pointedly fake smile.

Blaise replied with his most charming grin. "Of course not Tracy, not when you've got _me _to help you."

Davis gave up all attempt or pretence at persuasion or subtlety. "Blaise get of my sight right now or I swear on Merlin's sparkly purple hat I will use every single hex on Theo's list against you."  
>"Well I'm off!" Blaise announced immediately, though making sure his tone was casual and spontaneous rather than deeply concerned and slightly scared, hurriedly standing up and smiling at her with his favourite icy smile.<p>

Davis breathed a sigh of relief and relaxed, then suddenly startled up again as Blaise reappeared.  
>"Just so you know Davis, I really do think it's been too long."<p>

He left behind him a very confused Tracy Davis and a bittersweet sensation of gladness of her eventual victory and the strange, sad feeling that she had just lost something very special, though she had no idea what it was.


	8. About Theodore

He didn't know what it was, about Theodore Nott.

He'd always been gay, there was no escaping that. Gay was gay, whether you met the 'right person' or not. It wasn't like Theo had 'turned him'. Except that he kinda had.

Zabini didn't know what it was, about Theodore.

Why at the age of eleven the vain and outgoing Zabini boy, the new money, beautiful son of the beautiful young actress, had attached himself to the stiff upper arm of the stiff, bookish son of the pure and radical Nott, old money, old name, old blood.

Blaise didn't know what it was, about Theo.

Why this boring, bookish, intellectual, introvert had somehow become so important to him. They clashed in every single way. Where Blaise was loud, Theo was quiet. Where Blaise was lazy, Theo was diligent. Where Blaise was gay, Theo was straight.

But Blaise hadn't known that. Not for a while.

It wasn't like Theo had turned him gay, Blaise knew how gay worked, you were or you weren't and there was nothing that could change that. Blaise would have been gay with or without Theo. But, but that didn't change the fact that it was Theodore Nott who Blaise first fell for.

You don't need the elaboration. You don't need to to be told how Blaise felt, how Blaise thought, how Blaise wanted, you know how this works.

All that matters is that Blaise Zabini was gay, and Theodore Nott was straight, and Daphne Greengrass was straight. And pretty. And Daphne Greengrass didn't read a lot either and she preferred the grounds to the library and she preferred speech to silence and she was just like Blaise and not at all like Theodore but Theo kissed her anyway. Which hurt.

It hurt like one of Theo's much loved curses only with no hope of blocking it. But nobody really had any chance of blocking one of Theo's curses anyway.

But it was okay. Blaise could take deep breaths and breathe because it was okay. Theodore Nott was happy (as much as Theodore Nott could be 'happy') and healthy (as much as that vitamin D deprived weed could be 'healthy') and here. He was Blaise's friend and that was all he could ever really hope for (more than he could hope for).

And then it wasn't okay.


	9. Today

"Your turn today Daphne." Pansy held out the rolled up paper to the other girl for her to open.  
>"No way Parkinson, I did it yesterday."<br>"No you didn't Greengrass," Lied Parkinson easily, "Just shut up and open the damn paper."  
>"It is definitely your turn." Argued Greengrass, "Blaise, isn't it her turn?"<br>Blaise opened his mouth to agree, then quickly backtracked when he caught Pansy's eye. He shrugged. "Just get on with it Greengrass."

Greengrass glared at them, but knew that with the two of them both against her she might as well just get it over with.

Trying not to let her fingers shake, she took the proffered paper and cut the string tying it into a roll and looked at the front page.  
>"Nope."<br>"Thank god." Sighed Pansy, pretending to relax and trying to act like she wasn't waiting with baited breath for Daphne to get to page eight.

Daphne turned the pages quickly, flicking through and barely even looking at them, just wanting it to be over with. She could feel it, she could feel it today, feel it in the air, in the ink on the pages. Today, it was going to be today, it was going to be today, she was going to get to page eight and see it, she was going to see it today. His name. It was going to be today, she could feel it. Finally she reached page eight, the deaths page. She scanned it carefully, her eyes kept trying to leap ahead to the end but she fought back, reading every single name on the list, until…

"Nothing."  
>Despite her feigned nonchalance before, Pansy's posture visibly relaxed. "Thank Merlin for that."<br>Daphne gave a shaky little laugh and sank down onto the sofa next to Pansy, leaving the paper to Blaise. Once someone else had checked the column through to make sure there were no former seventh year Hogwarts students on it, Blaise often liked to look over it. Perhaps liked is the wrong word, but he did it anyway.

He reached the bottom without incident, then froze.  
>"Ah, Daphne dear?"<br>"What is it Blaise?" Daphne didn't even open her eyes to look at him.  
>"…You missed the PTO."<br>"What?"  
>"At the bottom of the column, it says PTO."<br>"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?"  
>Blaise paused. "It means please turn over."<p>

Daphne suddenly sat bolt upright. "What?" Her voice was quiet, and almost a little dangerous.  
>"The list continues onto the other page Daphne." He replied carefully, holding out the paper to her.<br>She swallowed, trying not to let her eyes widen with fear.  
>Hand shaking, fingers trembling, she took the paper onto her lap, and turned the page.<p>

Daphne did not move. She barely even seemed to breathe.  
>Time slowed. The moment stretched on forever.<br>The two of them stared at Daphne.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, she looked up at them, but she didn't seem to see them.  
>"It's today." Her voice was quiet and high pitched and simultaneously filled with emotion and utterly dead. "It's Theodore. He's here."<br>Pansy seemed to deflate. Blaise crumpled. Daphne looked on the verge of cleaving in to.

Millicent Bullstrode interrupted. "Give me that." She snatched the paper from Daphne's hands, shoving it into her bag. "You two." She snapped her fingers in Blaise and Pansy's faces and the stared up at her, shocked and startled. "We're going to the boy's dormitories and I don't want to hear so much as a sneeze from a single one of you until we get there, am I understood?"

All three of them nodded, the combined shock of Theodore's death and Millicent's sudden arrival too much to process right now, and Pansy and Blaise moved to Daphne's either side to support her as they followed Millicent up to the boy's dorms. As soon as they were in Millicent shut the door and they slumped against the wall, sinking together to the floor.

Pansy made to stand up, then seemed to give up halfway through and stayed where she was.

Of the three of them she was the most composed. Daphne's eyes were already filling with tears and Blaise was staring directly ahead looking as blank and as unseeing as if he'd just been Kissed.

Pansy cleared her throat. "What, what are we doing here? Why have you taken us to the boy's dormitory?"  
>Millicent was still standing in front of them, torn looking at them and looking away so that they wouldn't lose face. "Would you rather be interrupted by Crabbe and Goyle or Moon and Davis? Who do you think would get the fuck out fastest if they came in?"<br>Pansy nodded, feeling almost completely numb. "Yes, that's good. Good thinking Millicent."

In any other circumstance, Millicent would have smiled. That had to be the first compliment Pansy had ever given her, never mind the fact that she had called her by her first name.

"Ah, how did you… did you know?"  
>"You're not the only ones around here who read the paper." Millicent said simply. She sat down.<br>"Ah, I see." Pansy replied, in a tone so vacant and distant that it didn't seem like she understood at all. "So you've known since this morning then."  
>"Yes."<br>"And why didn't you tell us then?"  
>"You think that would have made it better?"<br>For the first time, Pansy's eyes actually managed to focus on her. "You're probably right." She said softly.

Whether Pansy would have said more, Millicent never found out, because it was at that point that Daphne lost her grip and an ink pot on a nearby dresser exploded. Though in hindsight Pansy supposed that was more likely to have been Blaise.

Tears began to stream down Daphne's face, a dam seemingly broken behind her pretty face.

"Give me the paper Bullstrode." Daphne's voice was shaking again, though this time with anger rather than fear. Millicent pulled it out and smoothed out some of the worst creases before handing it over. Daphne didn't even flinch as she read the list again, found his name again, and read the account that came with it. Her usually pretty face twisted into a snarl of disgust.  
>"<em>Fell in the natural course of his duty<em>?" She quoted disgustedly, "What the does that mean? What the fuck does that even mean?" Her voice was rising slowly, she'd be on the verge of shouting soon.

It was at this point that Blaise seemed to wake up from his reverie. "Well let's see." His voice was cold, almost sarcastic. "If he'd died breaking up a riot it would have said restoring the peace. If he'd died killing mudbloods and scum it would have said cleansing the world of those who would seek to harm us. If he'd died protecting something it would have said sacrificing his life for his cause. The _natural course _of being a death eater involves the risk that at some point the Dark Lord might flip out and kill you for no reason or because he's just damn pissed, so I'd say that's what it means. He was killed because You-know-_fucking_-who damn well felt like it Daph."  
>Both Pansy and Millicent winced. They knew what that meant, that tone of voice, that disrespect, that far too accurate analysis. That meant that Blaise was giving up on life as they knew it and Daphne was going to hit the fucking roof.<p>

Sure enough, her eyes flashed green and her mouth began to snarl again, tears still running down her face. "So that's it is it? He wasn't killed making the world a better place for us, he wasn't killed doing something he believed in, he wasn't even killed doing something his father made him do that he had no other choice but to do, he was killed on a ridiculous fucking whim for being in the wrong place at the wrong time." There was utter silence in the room other than the sound of Daphne's rage filled monotone, and when she paused to suck in a breath the whole room held still." I hate the Dark Lord you know, _I_ _hate him_."

There was a moment of dumbstruck consternation, where all three of them stared at her incredulously, until Pansy slapped her around the face.  
>"Shut up Daphne. Shut your damn face and don't you dare, don't you dare say that, don't you ever, <em>ever <em> let me hear you say that, or let anyone else hear it _ever_ again, understood?" Pansy was furious, glaring at Daphne with pure venom in her eyes.  
>Daphne paled. She nodded. She seemed to break. The fight went out of her, and she collapsed back against the wall. There was the almost audible sound of something breaking inside her.<br>Pansy sniffed once, angrily wiping away the single tear that dared to trail down her face, before nodding angrily. She seemed more herself again.

"Right." Pansy stood up. "Bullstrode's right, we're not the only ones who get the paper in this house, or the other houses for that matter. And we're certainly not the only ones with our eye on the death columns. Others will know about this, they will know that Nott was our friend, they will be looking at us, and I don't know about you but they can go fuck themselves if they think I'm going to show it."

After her little speech Pansy looked very much like she wanted to leave, but one look at Daphne told her that wasn't going to happen. At least she had achieved something with it though. Blaise nodded once, and visibly pulled himself together. There would be no more outbursts from him, no more impropriety.

The same could not be said for Daphne.

Crabbe and Goyle never did get to sleep in their own room that night.


	10. It didn't last

Every time she seemed to be getting better, to be making progress, they would step out into the corridors again and it would start. The whispering. The muttering. The shoving.

_Not so funny when it happens to you huh Greengrass?_

_Now you know how the rest of us feel you slimy sack of shit._

_This should fucking teach you Greengrass_

_Not so high and mighty anymore are you?_

And then it would start all over again. The crying. The clinging. The screaming. The denial. The violence.

But then it stopped. Suddenly it just stopped. She stopped screaming and crying, she stopped lashing out at the slightest provocation, she stopped looking so lost and desperate, she stopped not eating and looking like she had fallen into despair. She looked like she could be happy again. She looked like she had found hope.

It didn't last.


	11. Alive

It was five o'clock, it was raining, and the Slytherin common room was alive with the sound of silence. Then screaming. Then there was silence again. Then footsteps. Then total silence, as Tracy Davis stood in the door to the girls dormitories with blood on her hands and blood on her knees and far too much in her glassy eyes.

"Somebody get help."

It was a full fifteen minutes before Madame Pomfrey arrived, but although there were mutterings that she would've been faster if it had been a Gryffindor, nobody minded too much because she was twenty minutes too late.

It was a quarter past five, the rain had stopped, and Daphne Greengrass was pronounced dead at the scene.


	12. Mister V Dude

p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Blaise what the fuck?" Millicent had come down from the dormitories as a loud crash had woken her from her / "I think, Millicent, I think I might be drunk." Blaise's speech was slurred slightly, and he swayed a little as he stood up. "But don't tell Pansy." br /Millicent rolled her eyes, pushing Blaise back down onto the sofa, noticing Pansy curled up beside him. After checking that Pansy was just asleep and otherwise okay, Millicent set about taking Blaise up to bed. br /"Where the fuck did you even get all that fucking alcohol you heavy bastard?" Muttered Millicent, kicking bottles out of the way as she pulled Blaise back to his feet and wrapped his arm around her neck./p  
>p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Do you ever hate them Millicent? Do you ever just hate them?" Blaise asked suddenly, very seriously and with no small amount of hate in his voice, and anger. br "What do you mean Blaise?" Millcent looked at him, eyebrows raised in more than slight concern. br /"Them, Millicent. They killed Daphne the bastards, they killed her."br / Millicent sighed. "Daphne killed herself Blaise, you know that."br / "Yeah, the knife may have been in her hand, but it was them who killed her Millie. Their fucking whispering the fucking bastards with their red and blue and their fucking yellow. I'll kill 'em." br /"Sure you will Blaise." Said Millicent quietly, suddenly /"Not their fault though. Fuck them, I'll fucking kill them, but it's not their fault. It's His fault. He killed Theo, Millie. He killed us."br / "What are you talking about Zabini." Millicent didn't really ask, trying not to think about it as she half dragged the drunk boy up the stairs. br /"Mister V dude." He said /"I have no idea what you're talking about." br /"Pansy knows it, good ol' Pans…she gets me you know. You get me too Mill, even if you wanna pretend like you don't. You get me Millie. There is no Wonderland." br /Millicent sighed again. Tired. Worn. br /"Yes Blaise, I get you." She whispered. "Now get into bed and go the fuck to sleep."br /Blaise detached himself from Millicent, who he had been leaning on, and gave a messy, mocking salute. "Sir yes sir." He tripped his way over to his bed and collapsed on it, face down./p  
>p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Another time Millcent might have laughed. As it was she just went down to the common room, carrying Pansy back to her bed and trying not to think about right and wrong, trying to think about self-preservation, about choosing the winning side and liking it.p  
>p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"The world had always seemed a strangely dark place to the Slytherins. Now it was just dark. They could see it now, Daphne's death had given them that much, they could see it now, the promised Utopia. In the distance, behind the clouds, above the sky above the angels. And no matter how hard they tried there was no dragging it down towards themselves. Blood only made them sink further away. This was not the way to their promised lands, if they were even there at all.p  
>p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"So some days they would look the other way when they saw DA members breaking the rules and some days they would punish them for things they hadn't done. Swings and roundabouts. It balanced out eventually.p 


	13. Into step

"Pansy, why are you hanging around outside the boy's bathrooms?" Asked Moon, pausing in the corridor beside the girl.  
>"Because I'm a perverted fuck who get off on this kind of thing."<br>"What?"  
>"Cos Zabini's taking a piss you idiot why do you think I'm out here?" She scowled at the blonde girl, rolling her eyes.<br>"I, I dunno Pansy, it's just a bit…"  
>"A bit?" Pansy demanded, her eyes narrowing. "A bit what, exactly?"<br>Moon looked a little sheepish and a little more afraid. "Well, it's a bit odd isn't it? Do you just follow him around or…?"  
>Fortunately for Moon, it was at this point that Blaise emerged from the bathroom, and Pansy chose to leave before Moon could finish her sentence, linking her arm through his as they fell into step and completely ignoring the other girl.<p> 


	14. Inseparable

p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""So do you think they've got some sort of polyamory thing going on, or-?" br /"What the fuck did you just say Moon?"br / Moon sighed at Crabbe, disappointed that her audience had evidently not been paying attention for the last five minutes. br /"Parkinson, Zabini and Bullstrode, when was the last time you saw them apart?" br /"You think they're fucking?" Asked Crabbe, in mild horror. br /"What did you say Vince?" Goyle looked up suddenly, shocked into attention. br /"Moon thinks those three," Crabbe gestured towards them on the sofa, "Are fucking." br /Goyle shook his /"You're crazy, Moon. No way."br / "Am I though?" Asked Moon, practically bouncing on her / "Yes." Replied Crabbe /"Seriously though, think about it. When was the last time you saw them apart? They were hardly even friends last year but now…" br /"Bullstrode goes off on her own sometimes." Said Goyle slowly. br /"And the other two?" Moon was actually bouncing now with excitement over her /There was a pause, as the two boys tried to remember the last time they had seen either Zabini or Parkinson /"I saw Zabini on his own in the corridor the other day." Suggested Goyle. br /"Nah, he was outside the bathroom cos Parkinson and Bullstrode were in there, doesn't count." Crabbe corrected / "Oh yeah."/p  
>p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;" "Errm… "br "There was, there was last weekend when, wait no."br / "Errm…"/p  
>p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""See! They're practically inseparable!" Cried Moon  "Okay yeah, they're inseparable." Agreed Crabbe, and Moon squirmed with delight. "But that doesn't mean they're fucking." br /Moon pouted at him, /"They always go up to bed late, but separately. Besides, Zabini still sleeps in our room, and Parkinson's not there."br /Moon pouted again, and sighed dramatically. "Whatever. I still think they're fucking."/p 


	15. Ties

"Millicent why the fuck do you need to carry five spare ties around with you?" Pansy asked as they spilled out onto the floor.

Millicent ignored her and quickly shoved them back in her pocket along with her tissue.

"I mean, one's fair enough I guess, in case you spill something or whatever, two's extreme, but five is just absurd. Do you think they're going to wander off or something?"  
>"Shut up Parkinson."<p>

Rebuked by the sudden use of her last name, Pansy let the topic drop, but it took every ounce of her self restraint not to comment when there were only two left at the end of the day.


End file.
